Saturday, September 30, 2006

She wondered if
her tears were clear
enough to
tell tales of the pain
that brought them
would he even read them?
or care if he was their author?

Novels written
in silent eyes,
red cheeks,
inked her blood
across kitchen floors
rewritten on hospital clipboards
co authored by ER attendees
who knew her
on a first name basis.

Tubes pumped air
into punctured lung
that whistled
sad tunes
with each forced exhale
This time,
she'd remained conscious
as if he wanted
her to remember
this particular chapter

She laid silent
as doctors
pursued questions
they already knew
answers to
hoping this time
she'd had enough

He came in,
posing as
the knight
who runs into save her
from battered nights
oblivous that those around him
have read the fables
he spews as scripts
well written before his arrival

Reading her chart
collecting more details
for the manuscript
he hadnt yet finished
Stroking her hair,
whispering"Baby, you have to stop being so clumsy,
people will start to suspect something."

One tear slid down her cheek
as she remained glazed over
knowing once she'd healed,
he'd be back to take her home,
as he wiped the tear from her cheek,
she wondered if he'd take
one moment to read it,
to care her splintered soul
were chapters he'd written out of order

Before she could ask,
her ears heard the song
of her flatline
slow smile crept across her face
closing her eyes,
finally finding freedom.

(C) Cousin Publishing

Posted by CousinSarah :: 12:53 PM :: 5 comments

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They left her there
lying on the floor
hair spread out
shorts short enough
leaving nothing to the imagination

They left her there
barely breathing
unresponsive
no indications how she got there
or who left her

They left her there
clutching her purse
snoring through her own vomit
too cowardly to get help
yet willing enough to party
beyond limits
her seventeen year old body could handle.

How could they have left her there
possibly to die
in a hallway
early morning
no idea how long she'd been there
not even an annonymous call
getting her some help

They just left her there....

(C) Cousin Publications

Posted by CousinSarah :: 6:49 AM :: 4 comments

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Friday, September 29, 2006 Tagged by the best sister in the WORLD

I am thinking about: A special someone. How lucky I am and how happy he makes me feel.

I just said: "You here?" (Rich called and is bringing lil man up)

I want to: figure out what I want to do with a career

I wish: that I could guarantee nothin would hurt my baby.

I regret: not working out more when I was pregnant.

I sing: ALONE...noone wants to hear that. lol

I hear: stupid commercials...man people make some serious cash off some bad ideas.

I am: a woman who keeps working on myself, even when it's hard.

I dance: like a crazy woman in my apartment sometimes. Its very stress relieving.

I'm behind: on developing and sending out pictures. I totally suck at that.

I think: Im very blessed

I cry: less often than I used to and it's been nice.

I am not: going backwards.

I forgot: a lot of things. Running joke among my friends and family.

I confuse: the whole i after e thing...

I write: poetry for release and the love of it.

I need: do the laundry and get this piece down that is just circling in my head down on paper.

Taggin the CREW...you know who you are.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 4:25 PM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006 Grateful Wednesdays

1-That lil man is feeling better. And that I see him again in two days and we have a promise of a mother/son weekend where I will obscenely spoil him.

2-Him. I dont know how or why....feels like he has known me lifetimes in just a few moments. Like god sent him just for me. He leaves me speechless.

3-That I finally started reading Angels and Demons! Man Dan Brown can write his ass off.

4-My boy Copa makes me laugh daily. That we can tease each other in ways that would make a mom say "Dont MAKE me come BACK there!" LOL

5-That baby steps are becoming strides.

6-My girl Eb always makes me look at it from the other side.

7-My girl B knows me like no one else. It never matters the time, space, or subject she completes shit before I have to.

8-My Angel's smile seems to shine more lately.

9-My neo soul fam--I will miss em tonight.

10-That the writing is just coming...even if they aren't spoken word pieces. I am writing more and lovin it.

11-That seems like my work I've been doing on myself is paying off.

12-That Im praying.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 3:21 PM :: 7 comments

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

He whispers answers
To questions I didn’t know I had
Smiles dance across my lips
At thoughts of him,
Like they knew he was coming
Before I even knew he existed
In the seconds I have known him
He teaches me moments,
Sharing his life with me
I learn more about myself
Each time he wants to know me

He calls me sunshine,
Without realizing his spirit
Warms me intently
Hardly know him
Yet feel wrapped in his protection
Even when he’s miles away
Wondering the comfort his arms will bring

People say don’t seek comfort in a stranger,
But what happens when they bless you with it
His voice speaks familiarity to me that seems impossible
Still,
I don’t want to miss a syllable he speaks
Already hoping they are the lullabies that put me to sleep
Falling into dreams whispering prayers
If this is fantasy,
Let me wake up to it as a reality.

(C) Cousin Publishing

Posted by CousinSarah :: 3:04 PM :: 4 comments

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Sunday, September 24, 2006

Just ramblin

My lil one has a fever, why is it sometimes when lil ones are sick, they are lathargic and sleepy and then other times, up and down. I dont want to send him to school with a fever cause earlier he was crying cause his tummy hurt. Gave him some medicine and he seemed to feel a little better. We will see what happens when he eats again. AND I dont wanna be that parent who sent thier sick kid to school and got other kids sick. I wanna kick those parents butts. I have walked into his class more than once to see or hear a kid hacking his lungs out looking all pale and stuff...and I am like WHY IS THIS KID HERE?? I wanna be like dont play with that kid...but you know kids repeat everything. Dont want a teacher of parent callin me saying he is tellin little kids his mom said not to play with them. I understand that its really hard for some parents to take off work. At the same time, I dont want my kid to get sick either.

With a fever I know he is contagious...or fighting something. I hope he keeps it to himself. When his dad and I lived together, I was always the one to catch whatever he had. Now not everytime obviously, but his dad NEVER got it. Once my lil one actually threw up ALL OVER his dad. And I got the stomach flu-he didnt. Anyway, hope the fever breaks tonight...I'm gonna keep him for tomorrow. Dad has a big meeting. Gives me a lil more time with him, but I hate that he has a fever.

I have been writing alot. It just is coming in spurts. Mostly short peices. I have a tendancy to start and not finish things. A habit I want to break. I am going to really put some time each night to work on memorization and writing. I often try, but I get tired or sidetracked. I do this in a lot of projects in my life. This is something I am passionate about so I am going to work thru that to break this habit.

Im starting to have a lil insomnia again. I can get to sleep but I am waking up frequently and it is ANNOYING. Tryin to firgure out why.

My lil one goes with his dad this Christmas...last Christmas we went to my folks. It is gonna be hard...there are gonna be a lot of firsts someone told me. That the seperation will bring lots of new experiences. This is one of them. I am gonna be with my sister...if I have to swim there. I really will need her...

I am in love with my Damian Marley CD and my Syleena Johnson CD. Niether are new but I have been jammin them like they are. I want to get Brian Mcnight's first CD and Christopher WIlliams Changes CD. Had them a while ago...want em again. Started listening to my Mos CD again, he earned backsome points with his protest. :) And Das Efx. I know I am gettin old cause I dont even know who people are anymore who are in the current "music" scene. All I got to say is "shoulder lean?" um. how bout uh no.

My girl Eb is gonna have the groom and bride strawberries on her wedding cake and they are the cutest freakin things!! Who thinks of those things?? I do not even have the Ma fo Martha Stewart in me....so I can admire from afar. I would like to know where they get strawberries that ripe and plump. I love good strawberries.

Very happy that my boy is happy....prayers are workin bruh. We will keep on prayin!

Ok well I have rambled enough. Felt like writing but didnt have anything inparticular to write about. Peace people

Posted by CousinSarah :: 5:25 PM :: 6 comments

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Friday, September 22, 2006

Curiosity dances in my mind
Anticipating what we might find
Converged together
Arms outstretched
breath on necks
sighs through
slightly parted lips
closed eyes
Inhalation of anticipation

In absence
Images flash
Butterflies
Warmth
Wetness
Wonder
Catches of breath
nervous giggles

Imagination combined
With tidbits of reality
Intertwined
Self made fantasies
Scripts to be acted out
fantasy to reality
memories
waking me from sleep
misted in sweat
unable to forget
touches left on my skin
back arches involutarily
at flashbacks
certian moments
between consciousness
pushing past thresholds
exhales making room
for more.

(C) Cousin Publications

Posted by CousinSarah :: 3:43 PM :: 3 comments

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006 Some additions to Grateful Wednesdays

1-KEVIN SANDBLOOM, if you dont know...get with it. This man has more soul than Heaven ok. Check him out www.kevinsandbloom.com

2-For my boy B who always has something positive to say, even when I want to fling myself.

3-For editing capabilities.

4-For great poetry tag minus the novel

5-for GREAT music

6-for my neo fam...damn its good to be back.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 11:21 PM :: 7 comments

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Grateful Wednesday

1-for the great weekend with my son

2-for my girl who would take someone out if i needed her too lol

3-that i have been writing more

4-that my boy got to see his best friend and got SOME solace from that

5-that the pounds are droppin off

6-that while there have been some close calls....I really know I meant all the things from Thursday that came to me and that is so much for me. You have no idea.

7-that I handled some things at work well

8-that when I stopped feeling like I needed something, I started to have it

9-that there is poetry tonight

10-that my sis is kickin some serious ass in her classes AND raisin 3 babies. THATS RIGHT!!


thats all for now.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 3:06 PM :: 6 comments

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I've walked life
balancing on the rim of a circle
not really in the middle
not really outside it
along the line
created in the 360
of life's cycle

Circles often represent
harmony, completion
yet somehow
walking the rim
seems to keep
it out of reach
each arc looks like
the homestretch
once to the other side
no finish line in sight
another oasis
things are never what they seem
yet, my travel along the rim
remains constant

(C) Cousin Publications

Posted by CousinSarah :: 8:15 PM :: 3 comments

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Time whispers
tick tocks
my ears remind
me of time passed
days when it
didnt matter
sunny days and self made sandboxes
skinned knees from kickball
battle wounds to brag about

boys were competition
efforts to be the winner
always gender inspired
before we knew what that meant
stolen kisses on cheeks
were giggled amongst
adolescent girlfriends
while kissers pressed lips shut
they were too young to brag then
they didnt want friends thinking
they'd got the cooties
cohorting with the enemy

Remembering moments
time stood still
since we had no concept
that life was moving faster
than we would understand
until the whispers of clocks
tick
tocks
remind us of times gone by

(C) Cousin Publishing

Posted by CousinSarah :: 7:50 PM :: 4 comments

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Monday, September 18, 2006 rambles

I just need to say....I am glad Monday is over.

My baby is 6 today...not ready.

People who have too much money often seem to be lacking in thier sense of reality.

I have a hard time functioning in elitest atmospheres.

I love back to back episodes of Law and Order...Im an addict.

I have a meeting during GreyAnatomy's season premiere....bless the VCR.

I would REALLY like to take an interesting vacation...like Greece or Egypt, although I could handle a carribean vacation too.

I miss my folks, my sis, my brother and my nephews and niece.

I have been writing more lately.

I am still feeling my epiphanies from Thursday and I am very very happy for it.

I hate it when my son cries when he has to go back to his dad's house...it's not that he doesnt love his dad, we just see each other so much less than we used to.

I cant believe that I agreed to take my co to the airport at 545 in the morning. God help me get there and back cause my brain is on autopilot at that time.

I have my yearly girl doctor visit tomorrow...not my favorite. Why do they often find the need to ask about the weather or life or news while elbow deep in my uterus...I'm just sayin. Do what you need to do and get it done. lol.

I have a lot of long days this week...but at least it will slow down next week.

I am sad some of the people I love are having some really rough times right now.

I am going to bed now...545 is early.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 6:47 PM :: 5 comments

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Sunday, September 17, 2006

I tried not to hate him
cried, prayed, tried some more
even as tears cascade
anger rises in my chest
breathing irradically
his lies choke me
like his hands around my throat
blocking off my air supply
he looks right at me
to tell me more

I tried not to hate him
I remember each time
I gave him the benefit of the doubt
tried to be patient
work it out
knowing somewhere
that it would never be
what I needed it to be
I waited too long
I cried too much
I played the fool well
danced like the marionette
he wanted me to be
though it was never quite enough

I tried not to hate him
believed I could help him
that he'd see the real me
that I could be what he dreamt of
I held on too tight
I didnt pray for the right things
allowed my fears to keep me bound
giving him more rope
each time
I gave in
kept quiet
spoke too loudly
doubted myself
believed him
looked away
looked too closely
excused my actions
and his

I tried not to hate him
to rise above emotions
that would only trap me
instead of set me free
brokenhearted and angry
holding equal blame
feelings of
rage,
embarrassment,
shame,
wieghts around my ankles
while struggling to stay above water

I tried not to hate him
when he said
I love you
It's ok
I promise
each syllable stinging
I ignored it
refused to explore the pain
waiting for
something
anything
everything
nothing
recieving all of them
in each moment
of silence that lingered
in spaces we shared

(C) Cousin Publications

I tried not to hate him....

Posted by CousinSarah :: 9:08 PM :: 4 comments

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Life lived within her
though sometimes
forget it was hers
Dark days and beams of light
hidden behind blue irises
dialating pupils
adjusting to each image
wanting to make each moment
art in motion
tragedy and love
hope and sadness
tears and laughter
stories splattered the canvas
she created in each movement
each stroke
each attempt
painting her life in spectrums
colors she chooses
no longer chosen for her
living life in rainbows
that can only emerge after the rain.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 10:49 AM :: 2 comments

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

I have had a great day with my baby boy.

He is the next Dali...you should see his abstract cats and sea animals. He is an amazing artist--say somethin....say somethin...

We made it past Grievous in Star Wars Legos--which has been a month project. He was so happy...i actually was too....love that he lets me be a kid too.

He has told me at least 7 times today that he just wants to take care of me. I'm very lucky.

He has sat in my lap or by my side all day. Im very blessed.

I love the smell of his hair when I give him a kiss on his head. Wierd I know...but its like when he was a baby, but different.

He can do the HECK outta some mazes. I wonder what kinds of puzzles he will do with ease as an adult.

I dont even care that I have seen the same Suite Life of Zach and Cody, Raven and Hannah Montana twice in the same day.

Night ya'll...bout to have Saturday Night movie night with the cutest boy ever!

Posted by CousinSarah :: 8:56 PM :: 6 comments

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Thursday, September 14, 2006 John Carlos

So, tonight, I got to hear John Carlos speak. You know there are moments in your life that change you, change how you view the world, your perspective...just moments that bring about change.

Today was in the top 5 impactful moments of my life. As I listened to this man speak, I couldnt stop from crying. It is so easy for us to icon our icons, forget that they are human, real, that they truly exsist outside our history books and what media feeds us. John Carlos might honestly be one of the most real people I have ever met in my life. As he told us about his story, his life, his protest and the aftermath....all I could do was listen. When we had dinner, we got to hear more stories of his life. It was amazing.

You know, I prayed, really really prayed about a week ago. I finally said out loud that I needed to connect with God, and stop spending time defining what God is, looks like, isnt, etc. That I realized that kept me from truly connecting at all. I have been having a rough time, and had many rough patches in my life. Who hasnt right? I feel like God has thanked me for finally getting the message....and in doing so, has put some conversations in my life in the last week or so that I needed to hear. A big part of me changed tonight...like I have been coming around the curve and the finish line is mine...I just gotta make it there.

He talked about so many things. One thing was fear. That he doesnt have any. He isnt afraid to die, cause the reality is he will. His faith in God and his strength in believing his own worth and the worth of others. The fear he talked about hit me in the gut, turned on the light switch.

I have lived most of my life in fear of so many things:

pain
embarrassment
being used
what people think
what I am worth--or not worth
that people will/are lie to me
that I am not really lovable

this list could go on and on. So let me just stop and finish with the major things that I learned and changed me tonight.

There is going to be pain, it will either kill me or it wont. Mourn appropriately and move on, sitting in it will keep me from living at all. I dont want to just exsist anymore, I want to be.

Embarrassment is control I give to other people. It is my own set of self doubts, insecurities, and fear of failing that allow me to be embarrassed. I do try to do the right thing most times in my life. Sometimes I dont make it. But, they are my choices. I can be regretful or wish I had made a different choice, but I now realize that each moment, each mistake truly is for a reason. Being embarrassed only gives others the ability to judge me. Who are we to judge anyone? Each of us knows right and wrong. We are responsible for our mistakes and owning them. We are responsible for our successes and owning them. I refuse to give up my power this way any more.

I get to determine my worth. When I stopped tonight and really really thought about what he was saying...I cannot believe how much of my life and myself I have given away. How much I have convinced myself I dont deserve. I love hard. I love real. I have given that love away to too many people who didnt appreciate who I am....cause I didnt appreciate who I am. As if a light that has been out for so many years finally turned on tonight...I am going to love myself. I mean, it's like I finally understand what that means. I am not going to keep giving myself away when I know its to people who dont deserve it. I will take risks in hope of finding connections with friends and in relationships--some will fail and hurt. Mourn them appropriately and move on. Really, when I find the person I am suppossed to be with...they will be lucky to have me, because while I am human and make mistakes, I am rare. I am beautiful because of who I am and what I believe...not what others determine my beauty to be. I love so completely, that when that time comes, I wont settle for anything less than its reciprocal.

I have no control over other people. There are some people with hearts and minds like me and there are many who arent. People will lie to me. Sometimes I will believe them. I always feel stupid when that happens I wont anymore. If I am being real, sincere and genuine in my attempts, communications, etc, then that's all I can do. And if someone takes advantage of that, it will be thier price to pay later. I believe in Karma, cosmic justice whatever you want to call it. And for one of the first times I can say that statement and not feel some twinge of vengence behind it. What you put out will return to you. Each spiritual path has this statement in some form. I believe it to be true. I will no longer feel embarrassed or stupid because I chose to love or believe in others, that actually makes me stronger...not weak.

Why the hell shouldnt I be lovable? I already know what kind of heart I have. Why is it I can give that love so freely to others? Even strangers whose lives are unknown to me yet thier stories break my heart and want to fight for what is right for them. Now, I want to fight for what is right for myself too. We all deserve happiness and I have truly denied myself happiness for far too long. I have faults and things I need to work on. We all do, But overall, I am a pretty good package....I am glad I can finally feel that for one of the first times in my life.

Yesterday, I would have felt embarrassed to say some of these things. To talk about myself in such a positive way-would have considered it being egotisical...and false. I deserve to be happy. I deserve and owe to myself to live to my potential instead of living in fear of failure. I will die, I hope it is painless, either way, I can say there are somethings I will regret, but the kind of person and heart I have will not be two of those things.

John Carlos stood and stands for what be believes is right, knows when he has done something that isnt and stands up for the consequences. He chooses to live in action instead of fear. He chooses movement over stagnation. He chooses blunt honesty regardless of reprocussions. He kept saying during his stories that God has been with him. I believe that is true because many of his stories shoudl have ended with very different endings...but he doesnt care about the endings, he cares about what is real in this moment, in him and for humanity. It's wierd, we have all been inspired by others. But this....this was more than that for me tonight. Its like he had some words that somehow were the key to parts of me I had locked away or was afraid or believed I was undeserving to have. The things this man did, way beyond his silent protest speaks loudly of the life he lives....he made people do what was right in his presence and was willing to take the consequences...even death to do them. That is where I want to end up. I am human and will falter. I have 33 years of recordings that float through my mind to break. And yet, tonight cleared out some old tapes and recorded new ones.

There will be days that I look like crap. There will be loves I have that wont love me back. I will fall in front of people, literally and figuritively. And?? I finally understand the damn AND? These things wont kill me. But not living to find those things, to love myself and demand that others love me will. Not doing what is right in each moment for the greater need of people, will.

When I was crying, he told me after, I reminded him of his mother..cryin at stuff. I took that as an amazing compliment. If I can remind John Carlos of his mom in anyway, that says a great deal about me. I want to be free from my fears. Starting right now, I am going to start plowing through them.

Thank you Dr Carlos....thank you from my heart.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 10:26 PM :: 6 comments

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Extended Family

Today, I just wanted to write about how much my ATX family means to me. I have been going through a really rough time the last few months and as usual, my M.O. is to hide away. Last night, I went back to neo soul where I have missed the last several weeks. That is part of what I have needed all along.

Kim-Thank you for being my mentor, teaching me about poetry, life and myself. Thanks for listening and giving me perspective-and not giving up on me. Thank you for sharing you with me. I love you dearly.

June-Thanks for always havin my back. You truly are like a big sister to me. I adore you and am very blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for everything. Love you.

Herman-You always got jokes...you are quiet, but I know you are family. Thank you. Thank you for having Neo Soul, without it, I would never have found this family, or this part of myself.

Angel-Girl, you are my GIRL. Thank you for the kick in the pants I needed. thank you for being honest with me, even when it isnt the easy stuff to say. Thank you for helping make me become more independant and confident in myself. Love you.

Eb-My soul sista. Thank you for understanding me. For pushing me. For showing me that love can exsist the way I pray to find it. Who knew we would end up in this place from the day Tesha introduced us. I still remember the first time I heard you spit...awesome then...amazing now. Love you.

B-fran-for being you. for being the eye contact when we here some tight ass poetry cause we understand each other and the words. I know it's tough for you right now. Each moment is poetry brotha, and so are you. Love you

Job B.-For always havin a big ole bear hug for me when I arrive. You always welcome me with open arms. Ya big teddy bear you. lol.

Trey-For rockin the HELL out of the music last night. I needed that deep in my soul. You were ON POINT last night. Helped revive my spirit through music. Even tho you tried to shush me. lol. You know I cant be shushed when you jam like that. lol.

Shelle-Girl, we ALWAYS be in trouble together. ALWAYS--its like a damn guarantee, like old times. Thanks for making me laugh...I have needed that lately. I'm glad for our babysteps. *muah*

My Neo Soul fam, I am sorry I have been hiding from you and myself. I love you all so much. i needed the community, love and poetry last night. I dont care if there are 10 people in the audience or 100, I always have a good time with family. Dysfunctional or not, we are family. Learning life and poetry together.

Thank you.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 9:11 AM :: 6 comments

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006 EXTRA GRATEFUL

I talked to my mentor today. He is like a second dad to me in a lot of ways. He was definitely a turning point in my life. Pushed and believed in me academically and personally. Even though school was always a challenge for me, once I started taking classes with him, I went from a low b to C average in undergrad to almost a straight A average in grad school. My last few years of undergrad, my grades improved because of my amazing teachers. But he, he wouldnt let me make excuses, he pushed me--always. He helped me be a better person and showed me reasons I had to believe in myself.

I called him today to tell him about John Carlos as a fellow "historian" I knew he would be able to appreciate it and be as excited as I am.

He told me he was very proud of me for the changes I have made. For finishing my master's, for leaving a bad situation, for growing. He brought tears of joy to me today. I am grateful for THOSE kinds of tears.

Thank you Sundi, thank you for all you have given me and all you taught me to give myself. I love you dearly. You will never know how much your presence in my life has given me. I am blessed to have had such an amazing mentor. I am very grateful for you.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 1:05 PM :: 2 comments

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Grateful Wednesdays

1- for my son...every moment.

2- for friends who dont give up on me...even when I might be giving up on myself.

3-for my sister

4-For my boy understanding in the midst of his own healing

5-that my parents came to see me even for just a day--they are pretty awesome.

6-for a choice I made that was real tough decision for myself and I am stickin to it.

7-Mos Def got arrested for makin a political protest outside the VMA's...maybe my brotha is comin back around. (FYI, isnt it crazy we hardly heard about it)

8-for my music, it has really gotten me through some rough spots

9-that I was able to wake up this morning

10-that I am learning more about my job and starting to feel more comfortable

11-that I get to eat with and hear John Carlos speak this week

12-that I might get to see my boy AC this weekend

13-for 2 kick in the pants I need from two beautiful women last week

14-for my girl who is willing to protect me, even tho she aint my mama. lol

15-for everytime I have laughed this week

16-that Grey's Anatomy starts soon

17-that I am writing more

18-for my ATX family

19-for my boy who almost always starts my day with a good morning or have a good day text

20-that I am being better about working out

21-finally, for an easy on call Monday.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 9:57 AM :: 6 comments

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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Hues of ink pour
disguised as tears
swollen lids
blink splatters
patterns of braille
leading my fingers
to rewrite the write
in me
to get my mind right

Creating cursive loops
letters linked together
defining meaning in
spilled inkblots
dripping from cheeks
into my own
masterpiece
each stroke
bringing me closer
to understanding
how to master
my own peace.

(C) Cousin Publishing

Posted by CousinSarah :: 9:14 PM :: 3 comments

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Monday, September 11, 2006

There is no way for his 5 year old mind to wrap around the depth to which I love him. I dont know how to be sure that he never ever doubts it. He is what I think of before I go to bed and when I wake up. I knew the split would be hard for him, I think I discounted how much it would impact me. It is hard not to kiss him before school or hear him tell me about his day in person. It's in moments like these I have to look at how much heartache I must have caused my mom in her lifetime. I dont think there is any love like that of a parent who recognizes the gift and pain of having a child.

Baby boy, mommy loves you. More than I could ever tell you. I hope I am able to raise you in a way that you always know and feel that. I think of you everyday. I know this is hard for you. Mommy is trying to do the very best she can. I miss you all the time. I never wanna take you home on the weekend...but I know I have to. You have made my life so much better, even in the moments that I dont know to appreciate it. I'm sorry for everytime I mess up, because I will. I am sorry for any time I let you down cause I will. Im sorry I cant protect you from the pain in this world, I will always try, but sometimes wont be able to stop it. I am sorry your dad and I couldnt make it work, but we love you more than we could ever tell you in words. Even if we are not a family, we will always be your family. You are the definition of all that is amazing and beautiful in this world. I wonder why we grow up to be less amazing as adults. You just say what you think, and have such an amazing capacity to love. Snugglebunny moments are among my favorites. I wouldnt trade one of your kisses for anything in this world. I cant believe you are getting so big that you are close to not fitting in my lap so easy. I cant believe you are only 5 and already dont want kisses in public....but I am thankful for everyday that you still want to smother me in them at home. Know that you are handsome and amazingly charismatic already, remember to be humble. Some of these things I tell you often. Some I cant tell you cause you are only 5....and I want you to be able to stay 5, with as few burdens as possible. Know I'm always trying to do what's best, even when I may not know for sure what that is. Mommy loves you baby, hope you are having sweet dreams right now.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 7:10 PM :: 7 comments

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Friday, September 08, 2006

Anger intensifies
bile burning
rising
in my throat
choking
on bullshit
I've stomached over the years.

I want to gag,
purge myself
of every
memory
thought
belief
trust
I have given him or her, her or him

Remove pain
settling in my stomach
like a virus
people's awww's and it's oks
taking steps backward
not to catch it
saying "you dont understand"
brings judgement of
"suck it up"
"its in your head"
"everything's fine"

Each morning,
waking up
wondering
if tomorrow is worth
another day
of bile rising in my throat,
reliving pains
that I cannot seem to purge
returning in new faces
I allow in my space

Tired of facing today's
too often
reminding me of yesterday's
that I survive
not fall vicitm to
even a diamond
can break
with too much pressure

Instead,
I swallow it down
hoping the work
I've done today
leaves me less angry
tomorrow.

(C) Cousin Publications

Posted by CousinSarah :: 10:51 AM :: 8 comments

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Thursday, September 07, 2006

He roams
wandering
They say all who wander arent lost
He is

As if watching thru a telescope,
I see him,
wondering
if he knows it

Looking over his shoulder
under spaces hidden
second guessing sight
he thinks he's hunting for treasure

Unforseen fortunes
of answers, questions, telepathy
in hopes that tomorrows will look different
without having to know why

Or how,
so he wanders
avoiding the stillness
where the less fortunate answers lie

Solutions, none the less, survive
hidden in corners
he ignores
believing, those arent the answers he's looking for

Moving in and out
spaces of light as saftey
avoiding places
darkness swirls, inhaling fantasy

Closets of skeletons
lurking behind doors
embedded in spaces black
lacking light

They say all who wander are not lost
he is
looking intently
carefully planned avoidance

Caught paralyzed between
answers within reach
questions he's scared to ask
the secret that he knows the difference

(C) Cousin Publishing

Posted by CousinSarah :: 3:28 PM :: 2 comments

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Round 3 Full Disclosure and a few other things

Brandy asked-

1. Who would you absolutely NOT sleep with if (s)he was the LAST person on Earth, and why? Seriously.
Bush I think. While he is not the grossest phyiscally, he is revolting to me and stands for everything I dont. But that is a hard race to narrow.

2. What would someone have to give you or do for you in order to change your mind about question #1?
THE ONLY REASON would be to save my kid. Seriously.

3. Who is your favorite Republican (your parents not included) and why?
John McCain...he is the most balanced rational conservative I have ever seen. I dont agree with all this politics but I feel that he is a practical throughful and can make intellegent RATIONAL decisions.


My few other things:

1-They are doing construction above me right now. They were doing it all day yesterday. I cant make my radio go loud enough to be appropriate in my office to drown out the sound. Its gonna officially drive me insane. I was SO hoping yesterday woulda been it.

2-There is a Fabio Frgrance commercial that is OVERTLY disturbing and I want the 30 seconds of my life back that I saw it cause I was unable to get it changed fast enough. I was deeply disturbed.

3-Silent Hill...again hours of time I would like back.

4-I do not enjoy night meetings.

5-I feel like the energizer bunny on speed today.

6-Copa, I didnt totally understand the comment, but we ARE tryin to make you move here fool. lol.

7-I'm sad I have to work and not be there for someone I care about today and tomorrow. Im with you in spirit brother.

8-I am involuntarily becoming a morning person. I wake up about 7 now with or without an alarm. Not good.

9-I did some crunches this morning...my abs are about to burst into flame.

10-Hope today moves quick...they are still drillin'.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 8:01 AM :: 4 comments

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006 Grateful Wednesdays

Im grateful for....

1. My parents surprising me with thier visit this weekend. I needed it so bad. They are pretty awesome.

2. That I had my son all weekend. There are no words to say how much I love him.

3. I have awareness of the sadness and journey I am facing, instead of being blind to it. Knowing I might be the only one who understands me from time to time.

4. I havent had a coke in 2 weeks. Pray for me, I want one today bad. lol.

5. I listened to my old Das Efx cd this weekend. Those fools said "I rolled two spliffs, so I guess I am double jointed." I am grateful for GREAT word play instead of word repetition.

6. My laptop...my folks brought it when they came down. They rock.

7. That I have a support system here, even when I am sometimes afraid to use it.

8. I am doing better not worrying about what others think.

9. I finally feel like I am gettin the hang of the new job!

10. That I have a job.

11. That its cool enough to not turn into an entree as you walk outside.

12. That I have the MOST comfy bed in the world!

Posted by CousinSarah :: 10:57 AM :: 7 comments

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Tuesday, September 05, 2006 Round Two self disclosure answers

Urban Butterfly asked:

1. If you could travel back in time and change one thing in your life, what would it be?
I would change the way I spent my college years. I spent more time worried about some dysfunctional relationship I was in, and missed all the time that I could have been having fun and getting to build myself. I answered this different from my sis's cause you didnt minus the butterflly effect. :)

2. What's the weirdest thing that you do everyday?
I guess I am not wierd on a consistent daily basis...just wierd in general. LOL. If I had to pick something, I would say that I when I get home for the day. The first thing that happens once the door is locked is the bra comes off and stays of until I HAVE to put it back on. lol.

3. If you could live in the same place for the rest of your life and never be able to leave that place, where would it be (besides the US) and why?
I tried to find the link so you could see it, but there is this hotel in Bali or islands near it. It is a small villa, long walkway over the water. The "house" is actually built on stilts in the water at the end of the long walkway. Each side is glass, so all you see forever is aqua blue water. In it is this beautiful round bed that you could see stars and night ocean from...so you would get to see a sunrise and sunset daily. In addition....they have a massage room inside it and the floor where you would look down is glass so you can watch the water go by. Now, I dont consider myslef bougie by most standards and the same for here. The idea of living that close to water, hearing waves crashing to put me to sleep every night, watching the stars at night and the sunsets...it looks like heaven to me.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 7:12 AM :: 4 comments

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Monday, September 04, 2006 Some answers to the first round of Full Disclosure

Ok Eb's questions are:

1) If you could be an animal what would it be and why?
I would be a turtle. The represent the earth and wisdom. They tend to live long lives, often in peace...(if they make it from the beach..lol) They can both be on land and water...I love the water. Plus, they are hard on the outside, but soft and vunerable on the inside...alot like me.
2) What do you want to change about yourself, and how will you do it?
I want to be happier just being me. I want to undo the tapes of so many years that run thru my head. I am gonna keep working on me-exercise more, write and read more, surrender to things I am afraid of more (like going on stage when my mentor tells me to without so much self doubt. I am going to really work on facing things that my self doubt keeps me from trying. I need to learn that I can live thru good and rough times and take each lesson as just that-a lesson.
3) IF you had three days to live what would you want to do with or say to Javon and why?
Wow, this is a hard one....
1-I would do something very similar to what Michael Keeton's character did in "My Life" I would make video recordings of all the times I would think he would need to hear me. When life is hard--reminder that he is beautiful, strong and capable. What I would say when he got married, graduated, etc. Teach him how to properly treat people he dates and meets.
2-I would have him spend a day with my parents and sisters family so he would have that memory of us.
3-I would promise him that I would always be with him, that he was the best greatest blessing I ever had. Cuddle up with him to sleep one more time. Then we would do whatever he wanted my last day.

Sis asked

1) Why is your sister so cool?
She says below it isnt a real question, but I think it is a good one so for her I am gonna answer three. She is sooooo coooool because she is intellegent, hysterically funny, an amazing mom, and she has been working on herself so much in the last few years overcoming obstacles that she inspires me to do the same. In addition, she always loves me no matter what..whether she agrees with me, doesnt agree with me, will give me feedback and even if I dont take it, she understands I am my own person and loves me through our differences anyway. I can always talk to her, even when I know whe will want to beat me. :) Our relationship has evolved so much over the years and I am forever thankful for that. Plus she gave me an AMAZING brother and two incredible nephews and my beautiful mini me neice.
2) If you could change (without the Butterfly Effect in effect) one thing about your life or someone you loves life...what would it be?
Wow...um for me...it would be original situation that I think really hurt how I viewed men and my role with them. For someone else, my mom--I would make her healthy and want to stay that way.
3)If you had to marry someone from 1980's TV who would it be?
LOL, Well since it has to be from tv, Jack Wagner from General Hospital...we had it bad for him.
4) Since #1 is not for real, lol....If you had to pick one song that represented your life and was played at your funeral what would it be?
I know this sounds crazy, but I think it would be Appletree by Erykah Badu. It's one I use whenpeople ask me now. I have always been a little out of the norm, but it has attracted some wonderful people in my life. And, she has appreciation for family and art in that song. Plus, its more upbeat and would be something I would totally say. I dont want my funeral to be a totally sad event, I want people to celebrate what I was to them and what I was from them.

Ok, waiting for the second round of questions. And uh...no more questions about what if I die k? lololol Just Kidding

Posted by CousinSarah :: 6:30 AM :: 3 comments

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Sunday, September 03, 2006 Full Disclosure Game

Ok, I am late to the bus with this tag. At first I didnt understand it..lol...then time got away.

So, the deal is that you can ask me three questions that I have to answer AND in doing so, I get to ask you three that you have to answer. Since lots of folks seem to have done it already, I am tagging Sis, Unsaid, Brandy, Jai, Queue and Copa. If you havent participated and you know I dig ya, please play! My brain is barely functioning today. lol.

Posted by CousinSarah :: 5:19 PM :: 3 comments

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