Tuesday, September 15, 2009
She cant help herself.
I see that now.
Trying to find that never quite attained
parental pride in whatever role she plays,
Displays her fear so clearly
Compelled to pinch perfection from insecurities,
Hide behind the conformity of whatever keeps her
In best fortunes and spotlights,
The star of the show-she's worked hard for this money.
And no old adages will threaten the new reign
So she feigns superiority in gaudy displays of
disrespect delivered delightedly in little girl voices.
She cant help but be right.
Apologies are foreign languages
lavished by fools too weak
to create their own reality.
Rules in self proclaimed kingdoms of righteousness.
Easily explains her tendencies to-
ride high horses,
play damsel in distress
like the sad pathetic princesses in childhood tales
Yet, still jealous bitch enough to have a hand
in the situations creation
leaving scars on others are simply added benefits
she can secretly claim as trophies
claiming no responsibility between batted lashes.
She really cant see herself.
Molded and transformed into the shapes
of whatever will make
the current "them" love her.
She's gotta be whatever they need.
If there's a little bloodshed along the way,
sometimes casualties are necessary,
besides the extra's get fired in her script anyway.
Mystique has nothing on her.
She can bend and dodge with matrix like precision.
Avoid blame and negative responsibility like SuperBush.
Revisionist approach to facts and recantations
mixed with insecurities
made still with external backbones.
Never doubt shes the mastermind,
minions remain busy bankin profit,
and she likes it that way.
...in progress
(C) sjuphoff
All Rights Reserved
Posted by CousinSarah ::
10:08 AM ::
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Grateful on this Weds...
...for talkin to him yesterday..my baby
...that I see him tomorrow, even if just for a little while. I MISS HIM!
...that our first Monday is less than a week away
...for Dad helping me with the car...no kind of belt should cost that kind of money
...that she is up and running now
...for getting to practice with my team over the phone at least lol
...that I get to perform with MY TEAM TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
...for growth baby, looks good on me...
...that I made him smile today...*sigh*...that alone makes my day-he has no idea
...that I took the risk, and he listened, and I see changes already
...for all that seems to flourish when you let go
...for all the writing comin outta me right now-I LOOOOVE it
...so grateful to HAVE A JOB
...for a really great staff....I love my RD's-and thier staffs
...for late night bf talks...lol...
...for laughs with the girls til my face wants to fall off...we are a great bunch of women!
...for new pictures of my nephews/niece
...for my ipod...its a device which carries one of my lifelines
...living in the freedom to be the me Ive not always given me permission to be...
...acknowledging its an obstacle that I CREATE FOR MYSELF even though the actions come from another...its really in how I handle the madness...so I keep prayin and workin towards achieving the shift..
...for all the possibilities of what may come
...that it looks like I will make it to another birthday lol "lllaaaaaaawd my bodys weeearrrry"
...for the creators and finding the desire to know them in me more...
Posted by CousinSarah ::
1:08 PM ::
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Tuesday, August 18, 2009
no title
I am old as time,
I rest peacefully above swamp lands
Reflected in full moon voodoo delight,
Breeze easily into soundwaves
Rippled through silence through throats
Of coyotes
Far more human than not
I rise high to skies
Just above mountain peeks,
Lay a thin veil between heaven and earth
Places where only mystics roam freely,
Carrying Oms through frequencies
Echoing swansongs of past lifetimes
Floating down to find a soul called home
I raise red flags,
That gentle stirring before the storm,
Warn you I’m coming,
Pissed and triumphant I rip through alleys
Named for my presence
My unpredictability terrifies
And fascinates you
I’m a thrill you seek
Spinning out of control yet so precisely uncertain
I caress cheeks,
Cooling blushed flesh with relief
On days God seems to have confused temperature settings
I’m the freedom blowing through your hair
Provide oxygen during much needed inhales
In instances of new you rebirth
I blow away the old skin molted on the exhale
Clear debris during spring cleaning,
There’s healing in my touch
I’m worshiped
on upper left points of pentagrams
Expelled from tips of flames
in elemental opposites
expelled from lips in spells spoken
from maidens to crones in appreciation
of our mothers
Nature bears her name
Between branches of trees
And swells of raindrops
Heavy in deep fogs
I live here,
Among you
Invisible
Yet innately imperative
To everything you know.
(C) sjuphoff
all rights reserved 2009
Posted by CousinSarah ::
9:04 PM ::
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Monday, August 17, 2009
Very much in progress...
I don’t quite know how to set him free,
parts of me never want to.
He is the keeper of my dreams,
has knowledge of my darker places,
finds truth and vitality in my scars,
He says they make me stronger.
And the longer I listen,
I can hear the wishes he silently speaks to me.
He sees through to me, owns me in his essense
he knows this.
While I never doubt love is defined here,
our definitions often vary-
And I knew this.
Believed I could easily teeter both sides of the page
to find a compromise my heart could breath in.
While intentions are good,
viewpoints cause blind spots
Sometimes the free fall is so beautiful,
But the crash landings are a bitch.
Heartstrings plucked and pulled,
yet I helped to write the notes
so beautifully painfully laid into our symphony
Not merely orchestrated
but conducted in moments of privacy
He holds tight,
Yet keeps a loose grip
breaks my heart as easily
and casually as he mends it.
There were no secrets hidden here.
So I’m stumbling to find my way
using maps half written in invisible ink
which never tell me how I got here,
or how to get home.
Blurred lines resembling
trails of mascara cried
I’m just trying to find the peace and mind
where his outside matches his inside
where all the walls, bags and scars
are the decorations they were intended
not the obstacles between us.
I want to scream why.
Understand why it’s so close and so far.
Why the definition of what feeds me seems an impossible combination already.
Which he seems to hold,
yet unwilling or unable to share.
In moments, he exhales in my presence
I see pieces of him he often hides
Times of his reflection, he’s simply a man,
Who holds and sees a woman he loves
Who loves him-differently.
Just as quicklyI’m out of sight, out of mind
allows moments of rebuilding strongholds
when he feels the breezes sneak through cracks
now opened.
I remain caught
in the torrents of wind whipping within his walls,
Which were quite clearly built for a fortress, not shelter.
Kings cannot allow weaknesses
I feel his mantra in unspoken volumes,
It’s both what makes me adore him,
And what brings me to tears.
Sometimes in moments among caresses,
Face to face inquisitions-
I get through-to deeper inside of him,
and he lets me-for a moment.
I spin helplessly
I can’t blame him, I walked in aware
of my shortcomings,
of his,
of ours.
However, laying those alongside his virtues
diminishes them
Reminds me of all the reasons I fell in love in the first place.
I love him.
I don’t know how to love both of him-
In that space where the dichotomies mingle
leave paths unclear and untraceable.
Where his words and actions oppose each other
Like enemies on heated battlefields.
I don’t understand.
And I want to
Want to logically disengage the emotion
That motions me to be his
Because I am
even when Im not.
I feel this run through my viens
in the company of others
Who wish to take his place.
And I don’t know quite how to set him free,
parts of me never want to.
Parts of me break every time I don’t.
Agony sets deeply in my chest at the thought of trying.
There is no easy way,
So I stay until it isn’t enough
Til it hurts more than it doesn’t....
(C) sjuphoff
All Rights Reserved.
Posted by CousinSarah ::
1:23 PM ::
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Exceptionally grateful...
…for the little time I have talked to him…I miss him TERRIBLY
…that his Grandma is comin! He is excited to see her!
…less than two weeks and we are back to normal
…for my head not poppin off when I tried to post this the first time and lost it all…blogger is testing my fidelity at this point (maybe the creators thought Id said something I shouldn’t lol)
…for making it through the bumps sent on what should have been a smooth ride…
…for holding my tongue when I should---even when I didn’t want to
…in hindsight, for the motivation exactly when I needed it….
…for slowly learning and accepting to enjoy the calm in the storm but not to expect it-rough waters will come back…finally, I’m all done…and ready.
…for my Dad who has been patient, supportive, caring, calm and present when I have needed it recently. Thank you for being there Dad, I don’t know what I would do without you.
…for my family-not coming home this summer is hitting me real hard. I love and miss you guys so very much.
…that even when I can’t feel it, truly knowing there is always a reason/lesson in the journeys
…for seeing the changes already…its kinda nice
…for tears that purge and cleanse…not linger
…for a help that has a strong BS detector…even if they are slow from time to time
…for seeing through security blankets notioned as emotions…it happens…just gotta realize it
…for not saying everything I felt…even if it was/is real…words are forever, choose them carefully
…for finding more of me…I’m pretty damn FABU I’m coming to find out…
…for my girls being here when I got home…it was great to come home to…even if sleep soon befell me lol
..for letting go even more, what you think is really your issue-it’s no longer mine
…for being able to more clearly define, identify and seek exactly what I want/need…no more settling
…for really getting the difference between compromising and settling…now just gotta stick to it-nurturing natures gotta get this lesson for survival-real talk.
…the fact he just being he makes me smile…I love and hate it at the same time
..that if I feel like bustin a dance move I do…and if you don’t like what ya see, well then blink—lol
…that I didn’t grab one of the 40 cheerleaders on our flight home and make her a pom pom in the midst of my flying anxiety…they were a lot…lol A LOT. lol
…for the horribly stupid song Robocop that just came on…that mess makes me laugh EVERY TIME! “Lookin at your history, you’re like the girl from Misery, she said she won’t take it to this degree, well lets agree to disagree” and “Yeah I had her before, but that happened before, you get mad when you know so just don’t ask me no more…ooook ok oooook ok oooooook” hahahahahahahaha…man that mess is stupid but I laugh lots lol.
….for moments and times I give my soul a bit more freedom, she likes it-and flourishes there sometimes
…for Pac flowin through speakers right now. that went into Kem, that went into Marc Marcel, that is now the Fugees...I love my ipod.
…that I have actually felt the creators work in me in this week…
Nats needs its own section of thanks-
…for the perfect team and coach. I had NO idea what this experience would bring. Now knowing, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. You are all an incredible group of people and poets. The growth in myself and each other…I just am so humbled and amazed. I sincerely love each of you…and you are fam as far as Im concerned.
…without a doubt, aside from having my son-this has been one of the most transformative experiences in my life
…for finishing where we did…yes we could have been in the top 4…and we kicked some for real ass.
…that our work was real and authentic-our stories…we are all beautiful…
…that my girls and I busted that beseech in the dark…and that Eb didn’t make the light man weak in the thooooooat area. Hahahaha
…for Ayinde Russell from Denver Merc who held the arm of a stranger as I got off the National stage for the first time and left my heart in one of my hardest pieces on that stage…who then was no longer a stranger and breathed hope back into several of us….and reminded us why we were there. Your spirit sir, is amazing. I’m so blessed to have come to know you. Now, we gotta get you and the wife to move to Austin! :D
…for when the man sang Hathaway’s “Song for You” well good got dangum. I needed moments people!
…for Herman and June even giving us the home to have this chance at all.
…OMG OMG OMG for the most INCREDIBLE cipher in the middle of Clematis…Ive said it 100 times and I will say it 100 more, if I get to pick my heaven that’s it, right there in the middle of that cipher “Can I? Yes I can. Will I? Yes I will. Should I? Yes I should…” Poets, oxygen and musical instruments-yes the way to go for sure….
…for the laughs on this team…ya’ll be makin my face hurt!
…for Killeen, H-Town, APS, 13, Allen, Justin, Jo, Korim…all who are extended poetry family, some who came from far reaches to support us. Texas did the damn thing…we were all rockin spots in Semis…Texas WHAT??!!
…for the poet on the French team who made me bust head bobs everytime he spit cause I was sure it was French hip hop. I asked him if he was a rapper…he said yes…I know my hip hop got damn. Lololol.
…for reaching past my introversion to grow a bigger poetry family without my security back ups. :)
…for “don’t be swayed beeeeseeeeches!”
…that everytime my coach said “Go” I went-and did what he needed me to do.
…for the close to dozen starts, full, continuations or creations of new pieces…I had to pull a pad out during the middle of the semi bout to get one down…
…for me, who finally got off my ass and fears, and became the art I love so deeply. I couldn’t have had any of this without me…
Posted by CousinSarah ::
2:06 PM ::
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